The Hills Are Alive, with a Bunch of Idiots

I was traveling one weekend last year and arrived home to find my husband propped up in bed, looking very sick and watching The Hills. He hadn't been feeling well so he turned on the TV and happened upon a marathon of the show - and now he was hooked. So guess what was added to the Tivo line-up this summer? That's right, Season 3 of The Hills.

I had never seen this show before, nor had I seen its predecessor, Laguna Beach. But I had been reading so much about "Heidi and Spencer" and "LC" in all of my gossip magazines that I finally gave in and joined my husband in watching the last few installments. Here are my three main observations as the third season nears its end:

1) The Hills is all that Seinfeld aspired to be. It is truly a show about nothing. Every time an episode ends (and I swear when you forward through commercials there's only actually about 15 minutes of the show), my husband and I look at each other, shaking our heads and say, "Nothing happened!" It's just a bunch of people talking to each other about each other and creating drama because they seemingly have nothing else to do.

2) Heidi and Spencer have got to go! They may just be the most annoying people in the world. Their PR agents rock, however, because they are everywhere - with Heidi even getting the cover of Us Weekly this week! Is there NO other celebrity news on this planet?!? Unbelievable. What's worse is the actual interview with Heidi - I think it's one of the first times I was left so disturbed by a person's shallowness that I was still bothered by it the next day. Here's an excerpt that particularly bugged me... this is Heidi explaining why she got breast implants and a nose job: "If I was with a guy and there was a girl next to me with big boobs, I would be like, Oh, my God, he’s looking at her! On the beach, if I was standing next to a girl with big boobs, I’d be like, I hate her! I hated my nose too. I have my dad’s nose, which is huge. It took up so much of my face, when I looked down, I could see my nose. I couldn’t get away from it!”

First off, if I was her dad, I'd be pissed. She just called her dad's nose huge, on top of confirming that he sired the dumbest blonde on the planet with her other absurd remarks. I can't get over the fact that she said she would see her nose when she looked down. Um.... does she not see it now after her surgery? Because, last I checked, if you look down, you're going to see your nose no matter what - it's just that usually your eyes don't focus on it. Try it!

What's more disturbing is that throughout the interview, it becomes painfully obvious that she is extremely insecure and had the surgeries in the hopes of being more attractive to guys. I hate to break it to you, honey, but you're still not the prettiest of them all and, as the saying goes, "Beauty fades, but dumb is forever."

On top of that, her boyfriend/faux-fiancé Spencer, is awful. Is it just me, or does anyone else think that Spencer, um, doesn't even really like girls? He just likes the limelight. I can barely even stand looking at his face.

The best was when Spencer met Heidi's parents and they seemed to share my opinion of him. Can you imagine if your daughter brought home that weasel?

3) While I think the show would be more bearable without Heidi and Spencer (though even less would happen, if that's possible), I do enjoy watching the comings and goings of LC, Whitney and Audrina. Actually, Audrina is my favorite person on the show, even though she, too, is as dumb as they come. Her boyfriend, "Justin Bobby," kills me. How old is that guy, like 37 or something? And he's hanging around with these 21-year-olds? He is wrong in every aspect of the word, but I can't wait to see if he'll ever be able to string a sentence together that makes sense. I think Audrina is mesmerized by his hair and eyebrows - they have some sort of force that keeps pulling her back to them. Because otherwise, he's not much of a looker, don't you agree?

So, I fully realize that I am not only watching but also kind of promoting the very show that I've just skewered - guilty as charged! The Hills is the definition of mindless entertainment and sometimes that's just what you need in order to wind down before bed-time. But once I start having nightmares of Spencer's face, I'm done - cold turkey.

- e