The 5 W's, According to Google

A few weeks ago I decided to finally start streaming Sons of Anarchy. Early on in the pilot episode, my husband and I were like, "What/who in the hell is Sam Crow?" So I whipped out my phone and started Googling. Some weird things came up as "suggested searches" as soon as I started typing:

I got all smug and thought, "Well, I know what all that stuff is." (And in case you're wondering about my original question: "Sam Crow (actually, SAMCRO) stands for 'Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club Redwood Original.' This is in reference to their being an original, or charter member of the Sons of Anarchy motorcycle club."  Thanks, "Greg Y. on Yahoo! Answers.)

So I'd solved my SOA mystery. But then the next day I decided to Google the other 4 W's (and How) for the heck of it to see what came up.

Hmm, OK, another Ebola question... but overall the "how" entries seem reasonable. On to "when."

The "when" questions seemed normal as well. Time for "who."

Also pretty normal. And then I came to "where."

 

The first thing I noticed was that this was the third time Ebola came up in a suggested search. Are people really still freaked out by that? Then I wondered if these were suggested searches based on intel the Google Overlords collected from users in the U.S. or the whole world.  My assumption was the former, but maybe I'm wrong? Believe it or not I didn't Google this very question. Yet. (And in case you're wondering, my browser's settings are on Private and I definitely have not Googled any of the phrases that popped up before.)

The second thing I noticed to my horror is that I DID NOT KNOW the answer to "Where is xur?" In fact, I didn't even know what/who "xur" was. This was a problem. So I had to find out. Oddly enough I felt a little reassured about life after realizing how many gamer nerds must be out there asking this question. Because the reality is that a lot of scarier things could've come up in the "where" search, right? 

And to all those who made "Where am I?" a top search, I feel you. 

On to "why."

 

I don't get it. Are people really thinking Google will tell them why they're tired? And wait—what?!? Are that many people having green poop for this search to come up? Now I'm scared. Now I'm going to look at everyone I see on the street really funny. Do they suffer from green poop? Is it somehow related to eating green eggs and ham? Only Dr. Suess knows.

I think I have actually Googled the eye-twitching one, though. I believe it has something to do with dehydration. But don't take my word for it. You know what to do. (p.s. I was wrong.)

Then I mixed it up and tried the two-word combo "what are."

Check, check, check... huh? What ARE "dabs"? This is the moment where all the stoners reading this laugh at me. I'm not about that life, sorry!

Later when I was on my phone again I did a final two-word combo search: "why are."

That final one is a question I've been asking myself for several years now. It has given me hope for mankind that so many others must be wondering the same thing. I'll end on that uplifting note. Keep safe and don't catch Ebola, kids. And I hope you find Xur.

- e