Q: Who's the biggest loser of them all?

A: It is very hard for me to decide in the whole Heather Locklear/Richie Sambora/Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen debacle.

Why am I even bringing this up, when they all finally stopped being plastered across the covers of every magazine out there?

Because rumors arose today that Richie and Denise got engaged a few days ago. Do I really care? No, I don't. However, when I really think about it, I find the whole situation kind of amusing, because I think all four of these people are lame.

Here's why:

Richie Sambora: Ummmm.... let's just take a long, hard look at this man.

He is definitely "the winner" in this whole situation. He was married to Heather Locklear and is now dating Denise Richards!?!?! What in the heck did this guy do in a past life to warrant such great karma passed his way?

Because it certainly wasn't contributing to the likes of "Blaze of Glory" or "Wanted: Dead or Alive" (though I can't lie and say I don't like "Bad Medicine" and "Livin' on a Prayer"...).


Maybe he's a really nice guy. You know what, I'm sure he is! But I just don't get his appeal. Anyone who had hair like that back in the day is suspect - I don't care that it was the 80s and he was 'in a band.'

Denise Richards: Denise Richards has no career (no boys... that scene in Wild Things doesn't count as a career...) and from interviews I've seen with her, she seems quite dumb. Actually, I guess she proved her stupidity by marrying Charlie Sheen.

Public Service Announcement: Most people don't have the ability to change THAT much. This guy had a notorious past, and since he did not leave the spotlight, was still getting paid millions between his TV show and other acting work, and still hangs out with the party crowd, it doesn't take much to guess that he would be back around to some of his old ways at some point.

However, even though she may be an idiot for marrying him in the first place, that doesn't justify anything he may have done to her (she accused him of making threats to kill her, etc.). It's hard to know who's telling the truth in this whole mess, but I would bet that Charlie is guilty of some of the accusations. Regardless, they have finally "amicably settled" the dispute.

Charlie Sheen: As I alluded to above, this guy has issues. Basically the only cool thing he has done (in my opinion) was his small role in Ferris Bueller's Day Off (where he played... big stretch... a drug addict).

Now he just looks like a middle-aged wannabe trying to relive his glory days. And what is UP with him launching a kids clothing line - Sheen Kidz? Who in the HELL would buy clothes for their children that would put more money in the pockets of a guy accused of being addicted to underage porn!?! And what's more, who in the hell would go into business with this guy to do just that? Oh, that's right: Britney Spears. This world never ceases to amaze me.

Charlie has of course somehow managed to still land another girlfriend despite all evidence proving that everyone (men and women) should stay about 6 feet away from him at all times.

So that leaves us to discuss Charlie's old co-worker on Spin City - forever Amanda on Melrose Place to me - Heather Locklear.

Heather Locklear: I would say that Heather is by far the least loser-ish of this bunch. But I still have issues with her because I have read a lot of things that said she made life a living hell for Richie and that everyone in Bon Jovi hated her because of it.

Actually, the biggest issue I have with her is that she was married to Tommy Lee, a sure sign of stupidity. What IS IT with these women attracted to "bad boys" in the worst sense of the term?

After her split with Richie, she rebounded with David Spade, but now appears to be dating an equally unattractive guy. Shudder.


Who I really feel bad for in this situation are the kids - Denise and Charlie's two daughters and Heather and Richie's daughter. Imagine having such wack-jobs as parents? And I'm sure before they're grown, each of their parents will have dated/married/divorced at least a dozen other equally strange characters. Let's just hope we don't have to read about it.

- e