e's Favorite Things: Teleportation

The omnipresent advertising and promotion for the new movie Jumper got me thinking about the best superpower of all time: teleportation. Wouldn't you love to be able to just think of a location and then instantly be there? Imagine the possibilities: a nice oceanside breakfast in Hawaii, lunch along the Champs Elysees in Paris, dinner in Venice followed by a gondola ride around the canals... and then back in your own bed at night. According to the trailer below, you can even take someone along with you, so you won't be lonely. And then you could start the cycle all over again with three new places the next day. No other superpower even comes close.

Perhaps the greatest advantage of teleportation can be summed up in five words: no more airport security lines. Sure, you may not be able to take much stuff with you when you teleport, but the money you will save on cabs, cars and flights outweighs the amount you may need to spend on a new outfit or two in your final destination. Obviously, I have thought this through.

Lest you still be thinking that another superpower would be better, let me prove you wrong:

Flying - Why risk smacking into a bird (or worse, a plane) and getting all windburned if you could just teleport, which is faster, safer, and achieves the same results?

Invisibility - People who want to be invisible only want this power because they think other people are talking badly about them and they want to overhear it. Which means they have bigger problems than needing to decide on a superpower. But even so, they could just teleport to a nearby vent and listen in on haters that way.

X-ray vision - Let's be honest - this superpower is solely for perverts. Who in their right mind would choose this power over all others? NEXT!

Super-speed - Unnecessary if you can teleport.

Unbreakability/Stretchiness - This power is not going to be that useful in the vast majority of situations--unless you are extremely clumsy, in which case, perhaps you do need it. But if you saw that you were about to be hit by a car or crushed by a falling object, you also could just teleport away. Problem solved.

Firepower - This power is so Super Mario/Fantastic Four. Lame!

Water-breathing - I don't know about you, but I'm hardly ever underwater. This is a waste of a superpower unless you really, really, really love to swim.

Regeneration - Should not be necessary if you keep yourself out of harm's way by teleporting.

Transfiguration - I'm not going to lie, this is a pretty sweet power. Who wouldn't want to see what it feels like to be a bird, horse, dog, or even someone else? But let's be rational, how is this power that helpful? It's not. Because you aren't really turning into a dog (which might be awesome, especially if it was my dog, who is totally spoiled), you are still just yourself inside of a dog's body. If you suddenly needed to disguise yourself, you could just teleport out of sight and not go through what seems like it a painful and possibly time-consuming morphing process.

And for the record, I do not think "magic" is a superpower. Wizards know magic, magic can be learned, so it is not in the same category as the other powers above.

I hereby challenge anyone who thinks there is a better superpower than teleportation to plead their case!

Now I'm all depressed because I have hyped up teleporting, but I still can't do it.
- e