Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Curse You, Calculating Media Manipulators!

I've never been shy about my disdain for the publicity-hungry Simpson family. Or my lack of excitement over the fact that younger sister Ashlee started dating Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz, got pregnant, and then got married. Now my fears for their child have been confirmed: in their first act as parents, they named their son Bronx Mowgli.

I don't actually have anything against the name Bronx -- I'm more upset by the reasoning that I'm positive went into their choice of baby names. I'm annoyed that:
1) They most likely thought it would be very "Brangelina" of them to have a son whose name ends with the letter 'x.'
2) They also probably figured that they could kill two birds with one stone and blatantly imitate the Beckhams as well, who named their oldest boy Brooklyn. I can just picture Ashlee and Pete's brainstorming session: "I don't know, I think Queens or Staten Island might seem too out-there..."
3) A source told UsWeekly that the couple has never even been to the Bronx.
4) Wentz commented that he thought the name would be appropriate for "either a rock star or a senator."

God help us all if a Simpson offspring ends up having any part in running this country!

OK, enough about Bronx, because it's the baby's middle name -- Mowgli -- that absolutely kills me. My fond memories of the Disney classic The Jungle Book are forever ruined! I can never again sing along to "The Bare Necessities" or "I Wanna Be Like You" without thinking of creepy Grandpa Joe. Why, God, whhhhyyyyyy?

To make matters worse, a few days after the Simpson/Wentz baby made his debut, I sorted through my mail pile and saw Heidi, Spencer and news of their elopement (Is that a word? No? I don't care, I'm too angry to think straight!) staring back at me. If these two procreate, I am moving to the other side of the globe. Please, please hold me to it.

For now, however, I'm trying to calm down about the Speidi marriage news because it dawned on me that it might just be a publicity stunt (since everything else they do is). Remember when Whitney Houston was accused of smoking crack and she demanded that somebody prove it with "the receipts?" That drama came back to me last night because I realized that so far, there's actually been no proof that these two idiots from The Hills actually tied the knot. No one was there to witness it... yet they magically had a ton of pictures from their ceremony preparation in UsWeekly... before Heidi even told her own mother the news? Something fishy's going on.

And so, in order for me to believe that this union is for real (not that I should even care), I'm following Whitney's lead and demanding the couple to "show me the receipts!"

- e

9 comments:

Ariel said...

Elopement is indeed a word. You're safe!

Anonymous said...

shooooooot! did i miss the hills?! what night is it on!? monday?! tonight? what night is it tonight?! crap!!!! :( did lauren do it?!? someone fill me in!

arrrg... i hate school and working 50+ hour weeks!

*kristYn from CALI*

e said...

Sadly, I can answer that question for you, KrisYn. The Hills is on Monday night at 10 PM EST. If you're talking about LC hooking up with Justin Bobby, she claims to have not done it. That was what the ep was about last night. But don't worry, they will replay it ten million times between now and next week!

- e

at said...

Don't worry - baby Speidi will probably decide to go live with LC.

e said...

at - that's hilarious! you're right!

- e

Anonymous said...

dont anybody panic... i was able to leave school early (no, not *just* for tv! lol) and the hills is rerunning right now... *phew*... crisis adverted! :D

*kristYn from CALI*

Jennifer Roland said...

Yes, yes, and yes! I'm so glad to find a kindred spirit in the blogosphere. There are not enough of us snarking out here!

Anonymous said...

add Pete and Ashlee to the long list of celebs who should be beaten with a stick for naming their child something so ridiculous! let's hope this kid is tough!

Sheila said...

The question you should really be asking yourself is, who really gives a damn? Why does this even cross your mind as something worth thinking about? Jesus Christ, I can't imagine how incredibly boring my life would be if all I did was watch MTV and follow the latest scandals of Hollywood. The majority of Americans are useless spoiled brats that can't change a flat tire to save their lives wasting their time on Facebook, texting and shopping.

I've gotta tell you: it is sickening.