Thursday, August 31, 2006

Sick of the Simpsons

As you know, I have been gloriously "in between jobs" for the past two weeks (ending tomorrow). During this time, I've been chipping away at a 6 page to-do list. One of the major items on that list was to organize all of my files and finally go through a stack about two feet high of non-urgent mail. This was a three-day project in and of itself, but I finally got through everything and it feels damn good. While rifling through ads, articles, catalogs and the like, I came across three subscription renewal notices for OK! magazine. The time had come for me to make a momentous decision... to NOT renew the magazine.

Yes, yes, I know. This is major. Why would I do such a thing?


Anyone who has visited my place has witnessed the stack of about 300 magazines underneath one of my end tables - - suffice it to say I have a slight problem with collecting magazines and not being able to keep up with them. But typically, any "celebrity gossip" magazine gets my attention immediately. The ones that discuss, you know, health-related issues or home decorating ideas or world affairs, can wait.

I remember how excited I was a little over a year ago when I learned that OK! was finally coming to the U S of A. The British tabloids are notoriously relentless with their celebrity-hounding, so I was excited to see how they would rip apart all of Hollywood.

But alas, they made a very critical error early on, and it is the reason I will not be renewing my subscription.

Aren't I special?They made an exclusive deal with Jessica Simpson... obviously mistaking her for some sort of celebrity. And it really came back to bite them in the ass, because apparently she is actually hurting their sales figures!
I have a feeling I'm not the only one boycotting...

So what went wrong? Why is Jessica Simpson so toxic that I, among others, would make the drastic move to no longer want magazines with her on the cover? I have thought about it long and hard, because quite frankly, there's not a lot of distinction between Jessica and someone like Paris Hilton, who I am fascinated by. Neither have any talent, they are both dumb (or at least "act" stupid, which still counts as dumb in my book), Oooh, revenge!  Aren't you scared! they both found fame in reality shows, they both sing and act (and both do those things badly), they both have famous sisters, they both have notorious pets... as you can see, there were very few differences I could find. Perhaps Paris has, uh, been in a few videos that were not intentional, but Jessica's infamous car wash scene at the end of her "These Boots are Made for Walkin'" video came close to being sold in adult video stores... so I still say they have something in common on that front, too.

You just can't get enough of me!!!So why do I get a kick out of reading about the exploits of Paris yet cannot stand to look at or read about Jessica?

My first exposure to her was in the late 90s, when the "boy band and blond girl" explosion on the pop music scene was at its height. I didn't really pay much attention. My first exposure to her future ex-husband, Nick Lachey, was in Seattle in 1997 - his band 98 Degrees was playing an impromptu concert at the Team Nick all the way.Planet Hollywood, and I caught wind of it and went for a look from afar. Then in the summer of 2001, I was backpacking through Asia and I swear, every two seconds they were playing either "Irresistible" by Jessica Simpson or "In My Pocket" by Mandy Moore. And then 2003 brought us Newlyweds with both Jessica and Nick, and they became nearly impossible to avoid. I only watched the show a few times, but it was enough for me to discern that Nick seemed like a fairly normal person, and Jessica was perhaps one of the most annoying human beings on the planet.

So perhaps my annoyance with Jessica has been simmering for nearly ten years, but I still couldn't understand why I hate her so much while simultaneously being able to tolerate Paris Hilton... and then it hit me.


What?  I'm not 14 anymore?  STOP WITH YOUR LIES!!!!  You're going to Hell!That's right, Jessica's father, Joe Simpson. This guy is just nasty, as in nas-TAY. Ex-Baptist-pastor, my ass. Any man who makes disgusting comments about his daughter's chest and/or gives his daughter a "promise ring" is NOT NOR WAS HE EVER a "man of God."

From what I have read, no one in Hollywood or in the music industry can stand him, either.

Bloggers certainly hate him ... he even was made into a celebrity trading card ("Creepy Dad").

Perhaps the family is waking up. Sister Ashlee (she deserves her own post at some point, never fear) and Jessica have reportedly started ignoring their father and are trying to cut him out of deals and negotiations. Poor daddy. His aggressive marketing, PR tactics, strongarming of agents and masterminding of product promotions and deals such as the OK! one are what led the girls to fame in the first place. And now they are turning their backs on him.Are you still wearing my promise ring?

Hopefully it won't matter because they will ALL be out of the spotlight in a few years.

So "Creepy McCreepaLot," as he is called on some sites, is the main reason why I am anti-Jessica Simpson. I cannot think of her without thinking of him as well. However, I then realized that in general, she pals around with a lot of other people I cannot stand, in addition to her father and sister. Here are some of her friends, all of whom I think are obnoxious and are only hanging out with her to perhaps become more famous themselves: Eva Longoria, Christina Applegate, Eva Mendes, Ken Paves (hairdresser and NEVER not by Jessica's side), Christina Milian and CaCee Cobb.

The way they were - pre-plastic surgery and tanorexia for all three.Some of these "friends" were in her recent rip-off of Madonna, oh, I mean her recent video for "A Public Affair." Her new album of the same name is getting tepid reviews, and there are some haters of the aforementioned video, as well.

Famed photog David LaChappelle was one of the "early adopters" in the We Hate the Simpsons movement. A year or so ago, he had these choice words to say about sisters Jessica and Ashlee:

"They're everything that's wrong with music," LaChapelle seethed. "Out of everything combined, they're everything wrong with culture, and everything wrong with art, and what we think of as art and musical culture - in one family! They're nothing. They have nothing. They hold no interest whatsoever for anybody," he sniffed. "They're reality-red-carpet, lip-synching television stars. I don't know what they are beyond that. I don't think they offer anything."

So how do you really feel, David?

More recently, as in a few weeks ago, a "glossy magazine insider" stated that "She's [Jessica Simpson] so over. She's a bargain-basement star who can only sell $1.99 magazines at best these days."

Even BRITNEY SPEARS wants nothing to do with Jessica! In one of the funniest things I've read in a while, Britney apparently dissed Jessica backstage at the Teen Choice Awards when Jessica asked Britney if she could "kiss her pregnant belly."

Britney replied - get this: "HELL, NO!"

Isn't that awesome?!!! If I were Britney I probably would've thrown in a face slap, too. What nerve! The article I linked above sums up my feelings on this issue, so I will stop ranting.

More drama was in store for Jessica at that same show... according to reports, ex-hubby Nick Lachey was there as well, and "the two tried hard not cross each other’s lines, but bumped into each other backstage. It is reported they both looked at each other briefly before walking away quickly. Simpson then “freaked out” and had to be fanned by her hairdresser."

FANNED BY HER HAIRDRESSER? Once again, hilarious.

Praise the Lord! Can you make your dad lose his?For a little while, at least, we have a break from Simpson, as she was ordered to go on "vocal rest" because of a bruised vocal cord. And right when she was supposed to be making the rounds promoting her new album... darn it! I'm curious as to if she will appear on the MTV Video Music Awards tonight at all - that would've been the ideal place to plug her tunes. Now they can blame poor sales on lack of promotion... yeah, right.

Unfortunately, we are destined to have Jessica back in our faces sooner rather than later. The newest magazines on the stands are trumpeting that she has been secretly dating singer John Mayer since July.

The corpse and the tanning bed victim in 2005.ANOTHER annoying person?!?! Incredible. There are only two things I will say that are positive about John Mayer: 1) I like the song "Your Body is a Wonderland," and 2) He was cool enough at one point to appear on Chappelle's Show (if you watch this, watch the entire clip because it gets better as it goes on). Otherwise, I find him whiny and badly in need of a haircut.

We'll see how long it goes on before Joe steps in and scares him off...

- e


Nick said...

It's kinda creepy that I was thinking about this today, too. I have come to the conclusion that whenever she is mentioned on TV/radio or in print, the media should be required to mention the fact that if she hadn't been on "Newlyweds" (again, thanks to Creepy Dad Joe), NOBODY would care about her at all. She would have fallen off the face of the earth. Her music career was poop. It still is. I'd rather have Aaron Carter perform at my wedding than listen to her rubbish. I just wasted 45 seconds of my life writing about her. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog via the trackback stats in my own, and I've got to say that I really agree with your assessment. Jessica Simpson would be nothing without her father, because he was the person who was so aggressive in getting her to where she is today. He's like the excessive version of Beyonce's father, who might be a creepy ass as well, but people are floating the "Kelly is an illegitimate daughter" rumour with him, whereas they're floating molestation rumours with Joe.

Obviously, she owes her career to him, but she can't break away from him. Unhinging one's jaw and bellowing does not a talented singer make and she needs him behind her to take on the marketing angles. But he's getting crazier, and his creepiness is becoming more apparent, and the entire Simpson train is starting to slowly but spectacularly derail.

The "being fanned by her hairdresser" thing is hilarious, though. She seriously thinks she's Mariah Carey or something.

Anonymous said...

I can't stand the Simpson's either.

Although I do admit I like Jessica far better than Britney and Paris.

There was a time when it seemed like Jessica was in every single commercial on TV.

I was hoping that you would talk about Ashlee's new look (a la plastic surgery)!

Thanks as always for the entertaining article!

Anonymous said...

apparently the new cover of people magazine has jessica simpson with a quote that says, "i'm in love"
but actually she is not dating john mayer --- they are only friends.


Jessica Simpson has fallen for John Mayer – and she can hardly contain her delight.

"She's head over heels," a source close to the pop star, 26, tells PEOPLE in its new cover story. "She's telling friends, 'I'm in love.' "

****what creepy dad has to say:

Even her dad, Joe, is a fan of her new beau. "I love John Mayer," he told PEOPLE Tuesday at the New York City release party for Simpson's new album, A Public Affair. "I love his music. I love his talent. The last time he was at the House of Blues in L.A., I went by myself to see him play."

The most important thing to Joe? "If my daughter's happy, then I'm happy," he says. "And if she finds love, then I'm in love with the fact that she finds happiness. It's been a tough year for her. A lot of disappointment. And my greatest joy as a father is to see my baby be happy."