Curse You, Calculating Media Manipulators!

I've never been shy about my disdain for the publicity-hungry Simpson family. Or my lack of excitement over the fact that younger sister Ashlee started dating Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz, got pregnant, and then got married. Now my fears for their child have been confirmed: in their first act as parents, they named their son Bronx Mowgli.

I don't actually have anything against the name Bronx -- I'm more upset by the reasoning that I'm positive went into their choice of baby names. I'm annoyed that:
1) They most likely thought it would be very "Brangelina" of them to have a son whose name ends with the letter 'x.'
2) They also probably figured that they could kill two birds with one stone and blatantly imitate the Beckhams as well, who named their oldest boy Brooklyn. I can just picture Ashlee and Pete's brainstorming session: "I don't know, I think Queens or Staten Island might seem too out-there..."
3) A source told UsWeekly that the couple has never even been to the Bronx.
4) Wentz commented that he thought the name would be appropriate for "either a rock star or a senator."

God help us all if a Simpson offspring ends up having any part in running this country!

OK, enough about Bronx, because it's the baby's middle name -- Mowgli -- that absolutely kills me. My fond memories of the Disney classic The Jungle Book are forever ruined! I can never again sing along to "The Bare Necessities" or "I Wanna Be Like You" without thinking of creepy Grandpa Joe. Why, God, whhhhyyyyyy?

To make matters worse, a few days after the Simpson/Wentz baby made his debut, I sorted through my mail pile and saw Heidi, Spencer and news of their elopement (Is that a word? No? I don't care, I'm too angry to think straight!) staring back at me. If these two procreate, I am moving to the other side of the globe. Please, please hold me to it.

For now, however, I'm trying to calm down about the Speidi marriage news because it dawned on me that it might just be a publicity stunt (since everything else they do is). Remember when Whitney Houston was accused of smoking crack and she demanded that somebody prove it with "the receipts?" That drama came back to me last night because I realized that so far, there's actually been no proof that these two idiots from The Hills actually tied the knot. No one was there to witness it... yet they magically had a ton of pictures from their ceremony preparation in UsWeekly... before Heidi even told her own mother the news? Something fishy's going on.

And so, in order for me to believe that this union is for real (not that I should even care), I'm following Whitney's lead and demanding the couple to "show me the receipts!"

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Angelina and I are SO Alike!

I've been pretty stressed out lately (hence the sporadic posting over the past few days -- although I am not complaining... it's a good thing to be busy with writing projects!), and whenever I go through a period of time like this, I unfortunately start eating like crap. I just shove down whatever is close at hand and quick to prepare in order to spend as little time as possible eating. I stop going to the gym, don't see the light of day, and spiral into a funk until my head is above water again.

However, earlier this afternoon, I received my daily celebrity gossip email update from US Weekly, and I couldn't help but feel better about letting myself go. You see, Angelina Jolie and I have something in common. No, I don't have six (much less any) kids, or millions in the bank, or a position with the UN, or a movie coming out, nor am I drop-dead gorgeous. But... I like Hot Pockets. As does Angelina. And somehow, that fact makes everything right with the world.

If you want to get really technical about it, I actually have sworn off Hot Pockets in favor of Lean Pockets... you know, because they're SO much healthier. I can't believe no one has alerted Ms. Jolie to their existence.

Anyway, on this same topic, despite the fact that I was so strangely moved by the knowledge that I share a passion for microwavable junk food with one of my favorite celebrities, it doesn't make it any less ridiculous that US Weekly sent out an email with the subject line: "Angelina Jolie Couldn't Stop Eating Hot Pockets, Ice Cream After Twins' Birth." Slow news day, folks?

For those of you concerned about my health, please know that as I type this, I am finishing up a very nutritious Moroccan dish and am about to head out for a long walk with my dog on a beautifully sunny day here in Chicago. As the Beatles would say, things are "getting better all the time," and I will soon have my schedule under control. (Though I did just order two boxes of Lean Pockets for tomorrow's Peapod order... baby steps! I'm still off of the Magic Shell, at least!)

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Spade is a Baby Daddy? Say What?

I used to find David Spade funny back when he was on Saturday Night Live (though I was never a fan of his movies with Chris Farley like Tommy Boy and Black Sheep, nor did I watch Just Shoot Me). But what I couldn't understand was why he was always connected to so many lovely ladies. Heather Locklear? Lara Flynn Boyle? Carmen Electra? Pamela Anderson?!?! I mean, sure, a good sense of humor is charming and all... but it only goes so far in superficial Hollywood.

That's why I was shocked to read yesterday that Mr. Buh-Bye is the father of a baby girl born a week ago. And that the mother is ex-Playboy Playmate, Jillian Grace. What the... ?!?!?! I just don't get it. And I don't think I want to.

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I Don't Even Know What to Think About This

I hardly ever feel that it is my duty to bring others' attention to some crazy web site link or YouTube video that's making the rounds on email. But we've reached one of those times when I find it necessary to ensure that my dear readers are a part of the ridiculous tomfoolery that lives on the Internet.

Click here to see truly convincing evidence that Christian Bale -- yes, the Dark Knight himself -- and Kermit the Frog are related.

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The Twin Pics: So Close, Yet So Far

When I got up this morning, I called the Walgreens on my corner to see if they had the new People magazine with Angelina and Brad's twins on the cover. The woman who answered said, "I can't leave my register, but I'm sure we do." I replied, "Can you transfer me to someone who can look? I don't want to come over there in the rain if it's not there yet, it was supposed to hit newsstands today." I am put on hold, and then a few moments later the same woman comes back on the line and says, "Yeah, it's here."

YAY, YAY! What a glorious morning. Who cares about the pouring rain when there are pages of the Power Twins to devour? I put on my raincoat, grabbed my umbrella and headed off.

Do I even need to tell you that it wasn't there? I was beside myself with anger. I walked all around the store and only saw last week's issue. Then I went up to the woman at the cosmetics counter. "Are you the one I talked to about People magazine?" "Yeah!" she said, "He pulled it up at the counter."

Hope springs eternal. But the guy at the counter just pointed me to the week-old issue. "No, that's not it," I moaned. "Sure it is, it's People magazine!" he scolded. "Not the one that comes out today!?!?!" I cried, and then headed back to the woman at the cosmetics counter.

I stopped a few feet away from her and informed her that they did in fact NOT have the new issue yet. "Yes he does," she insisted. "No, he doesn't, not the one that comes out today," I shot back. "Well, you didn't say that on the phone," she protested. "Um, I said 'The one with Angelina's twins on it,'" I ended as I headed out the exit doors. She threw her hands up like "How am I supposed to know about Angelina's twins?" and went on with her day.

I couldn't give up that easily. I trekked three blocks down to CVS, which only had the issue from TWO weeks ago?!?!

Borders, I thought. Borders will definitely have it! So I continued my walk in flip-flops that were not meant to be worn in wet conditions, arrived at Borders and... they were closed until 10 AM. I could FEEL the magazine on the other side of the glass. But I was just not meant to read this damn thing over my morning bagel.

So I trudged back home in the rain. It's now ten, but I have to eat. Then I will CALL Borders and ENSURE they have it before heading out again.

In the meantime, the two cover shots are up for public consumption... do they look like $14 million dollars? Because that's what they cost between the two magazines...

(And yes, during this morning's debacle the thought DID cross my mind that my priorities are way out of whack and it was ridiculous that I was getting so upset over pictures of babies that I would never, ever meet. But that didn't make me want to see them any less.)

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Shame on Shia

First off, you know I only post on weekends if something really, really gets to me and I simply cannot wait until Monday to comment on it. And that is what has happened on this otherwise brilliant Chicago summer day.

The motivation for this post is my need to vent and mourn over the fact that I'm going to have to find some other twenty-something to replace Shia LaBeouf on my Inappropriate Celebrity Obsessions list. Apparently he was out driving in L.A. at 3 AM this morning, crashed and flipped his car (!) after making a left-hand turn. He was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Some chick was in the car with him, but so far she hasn't been identified.

I tried to forget his lame Walgreens arrest. I even tried to overlook the fact that he smokes, which is typically a deal-breaker in my book. But I can no longer continue to be in denial that Shia is a bad, bad boy. A DUI is a ticket off of the Inappropriate Celebrity Obsessions list.

He better not end up like freakin' Corey Haim or I am going to be seriously depressed.

Let's hope he gets his act together. And let's hope the rest of my Sunday can be salvaged as I search for other decade-younger-than-me actors to take my mind off of Shia.

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Wonder Twin Powers, ACTIVATE!

No matter where you were in the world this past Saturday, if you are in tune with the cosmos, then you probably noticed a slight shift in the atmosphere... a faint quiver from the heavens... a collective sigh of wonder on the winds around the same time that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's twins were delivered in Nice.

Arriving three-and-a-half days before schedule, "for medical reasons" that will probably never be expounded upon, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline immediately became the subject of international news coverage, and speculation over how much their first pictures will go for is already in high gear.

Most estimates I've read are in the range of $11 - $15 million... meaning the lucky magazine that secures the pictures will have to dole that much out (to charity, apparently) for the honor of introducing the Wonder Twins to the world.

My bet is that People will win out, just like it did with Shiloh's first shots. The real question is, when will these pictures hit the newsstands?

While I'm surprised that more news outlets aren't reporting the origins of the two babies' names (most only mention the obvious--Vivienne's middle name is Angelina's late mother's first name), if you want to know the story behind the rest, read this. I find it pretty hilarious how all possible URL combinations for the twins' names have already been secured by the parents' legal team. Those are some quick thinkers!

Anyway, as you may remember, I am on Team Angelina, so I was happy to hear that the delivery went smoothly, and that she will most likely be staying in the hospital up to another week while the babies gain more weight (they are both only five pounds). If I were her, I would keep it on the down-low as long as I possibly could, because it is going to be MASS CHAOS once the family of eight sets up camp elsewhere. Now all they need is a dog named Tiger and a maid named Alice and they're all set.

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One Hook-Up, One Break-Up

I remember when I first saw Jude Law... it was over ten years ago on the big screen in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. He didn't have that big of a role, but I was instantly mesmerized. Unfortunately, not too much later he turned into a Certified Himbo, and I became officially disenchanted. In retrospect, Lady Chablis was totally the best thing about Jude's first major movie, anyway. (And to go even further off on a tangent, if you never read that book, you really should, it rocks. And to continue with the random comments, my favorite Jude movie by far is the fairly unknown eXistenZ... rent it if you like futuristic sci-fi stuff.)

Anyway, yesterday it was reported that Mr. Law is now dating a 20-year-old model. Yes, a young girl 15 years his junior. At this point he's looking pretty scruffy and he makes me sad. He's got a handful of kids and at some point they are going to be damn embarrassed of him, if they aren't already. Pack it in, boy! You look beat.

While Jude's mid-life crisis unravels across the pond, here in the States two of the perkiest celebrities alive have broken up: Drew Barrymore and that dude from the Mac commercials. I always thought they were a strange match, because, I mean, he's that dude from the Mac commercials. But he did seem fairly normal, so I thought that maybe after experiencing so much wildness in her life, Drew realized it was best to settle down with a Regular Joe.

Alas, it was not meant to be, as her publicist confirmed the split yesterday. The cynical side of me says that the two may get back together just in time to promote their movie, He's Just Not That Into You (a step-up from the Mac commercials for him, no?), which premieres next year. We shall see.

In the meantime, I predict a lot of annoying pictures and tales of her re-bonding with BFF Cameron Diaz... who is currently seeing Jennifer Aniston's ex, supposed druggie Paul Sculfor. I guess I can see why Drew went for the Mac guy... everyone else in Hollywood has been recycled.

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They Say That Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...

It's been a long time since I've been moved to comment on a bit of celebrity gossip. I think we all overdosed a long time ago on anything having to do with Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Ashley Simpson, Jessica Simpson/Tony Romo, Angelina's soon-to-be-delivered twins, and Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's new romance. I'm lovin' precious few peeps in Hollywood right about now.

But I read something last night that made me truly sad: it's pretty much been confirmed that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced. Rumors about their marriage's impending demise have been floating around for over a year... and several times they've gone as far as to make public statements that everything was just fine.

This time, however, The Times reported that Madonna is contracting the same divorce attorney hired by not only Paul McCartney, but also Prince Charles. And apparently, if The Times reports this news, it's more believable than, say, Star magazine.

Last week I read that Madonna didn't want to announce any split until her tour is over with at the end of November. So it will be interesting to see if we go that long without "official" confirmation. I'm also very curious about the fact that the couple supposedly did not have a prenuptial agreement. Madonna obviously has more to lose (her net worth is estimated at nearly $600 million), but I just can't see Guy Ritchie fighting to get some huge chunk of that. It seems kind of... unmanly or something.

Anyway, I'm still holding out hope that this news proves false, because I hate the fact that they have three kids who will have to deal with everything the media's saying about their parents for a long, long time. And on a more selfish note, I think I will be really creeped out if Madonna starts dating again. I thought she and Guy seemed like a good match, and I just cringe at the thought of pictures of her with some new (most likely even younger... as Guy was already a decade her junior) dude. She turns fifty next year... I don't want to see a mid-life-crisising Madonna!

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This Is Just Not Right.

As I've said before, I could take or leave Beyoncé. So she finally got hitched to Jay-Z? Who cares, they were already acting like a boring married couple anyway. She's had a few songs that I like--most recently "Irreplaceable"... and I still put on "Ring the Alarm" when I want a good work-out--but most of the time I don't think twice about her.

Until I saw THIS completely disturbing ad for her new line of clothing--for little girls?!?!


Are you kidding me? Is this a joke?

No, it's not a joke. Just look at the homepage for Beyoncé's clothing line, House of Deréon, and you can tell that these kiddie styles fit right in.

Has someone called Child Services yet? Seriously, what was she thinking? This is really bad. I don't think I could even walk in those high heels, let alone a freakin' five-year-old! What's next... is Jay-Z going to come out with a line for toddlers so that people can dress their young sons up like gangstas and pimps? You know, to complement their sisters wearing Deréon Girls?

Ugh... OK, I've made up my mind. I no longer like Beyoncé--at all. (Added bonus from swearing off the "Bootylicious" singer--I don't have to keep typing in the annoying HTML code for the accented e's!)

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Welcome to Your Summer, Courtesy of Johnnifer

So John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are dating. I don't like either of them, so I don't really care. That being said, I would much rather see pictures of them gracing the covers of every magazine this summer than, say, Britney Spears or Ashlee Simpson. Therefore, I will accept this most unlikely of pairings and will read ridiculous updates of their romance ("He sent her flowers every day!") if it means that I can forget about celebrities I like even less for a little while. Could the Jen/John pairing overshadow even the Mariah/Nick surprise marriage? I hope so, because I don't like Mariah, either.

(Who do I like? That is the question.)

Here We Go Again...

It's no secret that I'm not a fan of Tom Cruise. So much so that I wish I ran this web site (I'd do a better job... they haven't updated it since '06!). But anyway, as you've undoubtedly heard by now, Mr. Crazy is returning to Oprah--twice so I better steel myself for the media onslaught that's sure to follow his appearance.

He's going to be on tomorrow's show, which was shot at his home in Colorado. Then he'll be back again on Monday from her studio (but it has already been taped, phew. Otherwise I'd be really scared walking around Chicago next week if he was on the loose).

I really hope Oprah "goes there" and asks him the tough questions about his freakishness. Supposedly she's going to cover a lot of ground... from how he and Katie's parents get along, to his spat with Matt Lauer over psychiatric drugs (the "you're glib!" heard around the world), to his couch-jumping antics on her own show. But it's not like we can really believe any of his answers... he's an actor for God's sake, and one that needs to improve his image significantly.

Especially after CHER comes out and starts talking about an affair they had decades ago. I mean, that's just straight-up disgusting. I didn't want to know about that! Now I have a really bad vision in my head of those two together, and it's even worse than the one I had of each of them separately. And I'm sure we'll all keep hearing about this most odd of flings because Cher's also going to be on Oprah next week... on May 8th.

Despite my hatred of Tom Cruise, I will be watching the shows. We'll all undoubtedly see clip after clip from his interviews replayed on every major news outlet, so why not catch the originals? I predict that Tom will behave himself and that it will be quite boring. I also predict that I still won't like him any better afterward.

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Say It Ain't So!

Does it make me an awful person for not wanting certain people to procreate?

The latest pregnancy rumor that has me all riled up is about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. People.com reports that she's expecting, my latest issue of Us Weekly has a spotlight about this same story on its cover, and Ashlee didn't exactly deny the rumors in an interview on MTV. Noooooo!!!!! I can't deal with "bump watch" for her for the next nine months. Seriously, I can't deal with it. I will have to stop reading all of my magazines and visiting all of my gossip web sites. I refuse to put myself through the agony.

I simply cannot stand these two. First off, he is a dork--plain and simple. And not in a good way. He looks exactly the same in every single picture I've ever seen of him... he's sporting some stupid hat or hoodie, is wearing mostly black clothes, and his stringy hair is combed down over his forehead and eyeliner-rimmed eyes, He is NOT cute, but has somehow fooled a bunch of young girls who like his band, Fall Out Boy, into thinking that he is.

And as for her? I seriously don't even know where to begin. Oh, wait, yes I do... just read my rant about Jessica Simpson, because it pretty much all applies to her sister as well. The only difference between Ashlee and Jessica is that Ashlee had a nose job and thinks she's a "rocker chick" because she dates a wimpy guy in a poser band. That entire family just needs to GO AWAY. Stop torturing the rest of us!

And if the rumors are true... then there's going to be yet ANOTHER annoying Simpson offspring to grate on the nerves of generations to come.

I weep for the future.

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Would That Make Her Mrs. Z?

Celebrity gossip has been in a sad state lately... the same stories about Britney's mental breakdown or a feud on The Hills keep getting recycled over and over in the magazines. But then on Friday, there was something new to talk about. Beyoncé and Jay-Z finally got married... or did they?

Unfortunately for me, I don't really care what the answer is. While I like both artists' music, they already seemed married. For a while there when there were rumors that Rihanna might be trying to steal Jay-Z away, it got interesting. But now I'm just waiting for the inevitable pictures of the B/Z honeymoon... and I bet they'll do the same thing they always do--take a yacht to St. Tropez. Bor-ing.


The couple has not gone on record yet to confirm the marriage, so CNN investigated this extremely important mystery in a video clip, here.

My prediction is that soon, shots of the ceremony and/or honeymoon will start to emerge, and those will dominate the pages of celebrity magazines for a week or so. But then it will be back to pictures of famous people's kids and speculation about whether Brad and Angelina are going to make it official (my bet: they never will).

Sigh.

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Update on Yesterday's Post...

Remember when I thought something seemed fishy about Entertainment Tonight and The Insider deciding to NOT play the "Heath Ledger drug video" at the last second? I was right. They didn't do it out of the goodness of their hearts or because they love Australians, they did it because the publicists of almost every major star out there said that their clients would never interview with the shows again if the video aired.

In addition, the video also had clips of Heath saying that he had stopped doing drugs after his daughter was born, and his "M" (for Matilda) tattoo was there to remind him of his pledge.

Now, the video was taken two years ago, and so it is possible that Heath relapsed between now and then, but it just goes to show that everything can be edited to fit a certain purpose.

And on another subject I mentioned yesterday, Britney has actually stayed in the hospital (so far). That is a good sign. Hope springs eternal...

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The Sorry State of Hollywood

A few people asked me why I never posted about Heath Ledger's death (or Anna Nicole Smith's death last year, for that matter). The reason why is twofold: 1) I find these things extremely depressing, especially when children are left behind, and 2) If I don't think I can say anything that hasn't already been said about a topic, I try not to post about it.

But yesterday I read something related to Heath Ledger's death that motivated me to address it. It seems that Entertainment Tonight and The Insider had both paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to procure a video tape that showed Heath at a "drug party" at that Chateau Marmont in Hollywood. They were going to broadcast it this week, but then both shows backed out at the last minute, even after running tons of promos for it. You can see the promo for The Insider, which includes some clips from the video, here.

I was shocked that these two shows had a change of heart. The celebrity gossip media is not known for caring much about who their accusations affect. Apparently this time around, however, they caved under pressure from the Ledger family. All I can figure is that they are suckers for Australian accents, because seriously, these shows NEVER take the high road. I don't even think they were threatened with lawsuits, I think they just did the right thing for once.

The damage from the video is already done, though. From the clips that have been circulating around the Internet, it is clear that Heath had a drug problem, regardless of whether or not that's what he actually died from last week. And it makes me very sad. Because for every celebrity that most people know is screwed up, there are countless others who have kept their issues well-hidden. When I heard that Heath had died, I gasped out loud. We all have a short list in our heads of famous people who we fear could meet an untimely end at any moment. Heath Ledger was not on my list. And my heart goes out to Michelle Williams and her poor daughter, who will probably not even remember her father. It is a sad, sad situation.

Speaking of sad situations... we come to the latest Britney Spears drama. I haven't posted about Britney in a while, either, because she just upsets me. And because that's all you hear about these days. However, last night, as you may have heard, she was taken to the hospital again in a parade of police cars, helicopters and whatnot. Apparently the emergency vehicles surrounding Britney's ambulance stretched the length of a football field. That is INSANE. You would think it was the Presidential motorcade or something. Anyway, this has lead many to suspect that this latest trip to the hospital was well planned out ahead of time, in order to keep the paparazzi away. It was Spears' psychiatrist who made the call to the hospital to come get her, and her parents are with her now.

For the sake of her two sons, I hope this time they get her some real help and keep her in the hospital for as long as it takes to do so (the last time she left in a matter of hours). And I hope Dr. Phil keeps his freakin' mouth shut about it all this time. And I hope they keep those two ultra-creepy dudes, Osama "Sam" Lutfi and Adnan "I'm married but obviously milking this for all it's worth" Gahlib, AWAY FROM HER. Who are these losers and why do they have any control over the situation at all? Apparently there was a fight at the UCLA Medical Center about who actually had power of attorney for Britney--this Sam reject or her PARENTS. Ummm.... should there really be a question here?

And finally, I sincerely hope that this situation does not end tragically.

Let's all be glad we're not famous. Famous people are screwed up.

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An "SP" Takes on Tom Cruise!

I knew I liked this guy way back when he was in Stand By Me. Now, Jerry O'Connell has made a spoof of the infamous Tom Cruise Scientology video, in support of the Writers Guild of America. If you haven't seen the original video, check out the highlight reel here, or else this may make no sense. Huge shout-out to "Smitten" for bringing this to my attention (though now that I think about it, I saw a clip of it last night on the TV at the gym, but it had no sound so I couldn't figure out what it was)!

If Jerry suddenly disappears... we're going to know who's behind it...

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What Should We As A Nation Do About Tom Cruise?

You seriously need to watch this before it gets pulled down (again)... Go Go GO! NOW!

If you can't spare nine minutes (though you really should), watch the 2-minute highlight clip (once again, before it gets taken down).

Props to Uncle Grambo for having the guts to post it...

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This Baby Better Not Have Any Wrinkles

Last week, I was going through the latest "blind items" on the Internet and came across this one from the New York Post on January 2nd: Which 40ish actress has finally gotten pregnant for the first time? Her rep is denying it because she's only a month into it, and has suffered miscarriages in the past. Said our source: "Watch for her to get bangs and start wearing hats to hide her sagging face because you can't be on Botox when you are pregnant."

The consensus was that this must be Nicole Kidman, and sure enough, yesterday her rep confirmed Nicole's pregnancy to People magazine. I couldn't get past the fact that her rep said, "The couple are thrilled." Shouldn't it be "the couple is thrilled?" I think this may be some strange Aussie twist to the English language. I've noticed that sometimes the British will treat a band name as plural, saying something like "Radiohead are touring," whereas I would've thought it should be, "Radiohead is touring." And before you Brits out there jump all over me about how the Americans have ruined your language... I am not trying to pick a fight! But I am curious to know if anyone knows the background of the is/are discrepancy between Americans and British/Australians.

But back to the main subject of this post... Nicole Kidman is pregnant, and although I do not like her movies and her forehead scares the living bejeezus out of me and I think her husband looks like a girl, I wish her the best. If she has had miscarriages in the past it seems odd that they would be officially confirming her pregnancy this early, but perhaps if the effects of no Botox are going to be that hideous, they want to warn the public? It will be interesting to see if she goes into hiding or not.

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Oops, She Did It, Too!

Oh, Lordy.

I was not ready to learn that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant before I even ate breakfast today! That being said, I still thank the anonymous commenter who informed me of this unbelievable news a little while ago. There had been speculation for the past few months that she was expecting, but I didn't post about it because I figured that no one in Jamie Lynn's situation (which is: having her own show on Nickelodeon and watching her sister's downward spiral for the past several years, not to mention being only 16?!?!?) would ever be that stupid. Silly, silly me.

But it is true. The father is her boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, and Jamie Lynn claims that, "I was in complete and total shock and so was he."

Umm, I hate to break this to you, girlfriend, but while YOU may have been in shock, HE was seeing dollar signs. He's now hooked to The Spears Money Machine for life, and I guarantee you that he is not concerned in the slightest. What did you both think was going to happen, exactly, when you were getting it on? He was probably praying for this to happen.

Word is that Britney found out with the rest of the world because she has been estranged from her family for a while now. So Kevin was actually told by the family, but Britney found out from the media. Her agent's official statement is, "Britney is aware of the news regarding Jamie Lynn's pregnancy. She wishes her sister nothing but the best and asks for privacy during this time."

I just keep getting more and more upset about this. NO ONE in the Spears household really wants privacy?!?! Please! If Jamie Lynn wanted privacy, she wouldn't have agreed to tell her story to OK! magazine (and you can guarantee she was paid well for that--this is the same magazine that paid millions for Jessica Simpson covers and Eva Longoria's wedding pics--they're nothing in comparison to this scoop!). And Britney doesn't want privacy, either, because literally every day she is out and about in some conspicuous way, basically begging the paparazzi to take her picture.

I checked Jamie Lynn's official web site moments ago to see if her news was posted. But the last update on there was, "Congratulations to Jamie Lynn for being nominated for the Favorite Television Actress at the 2007 Kid's Choice Awards!!"

D'oh! The parents of all of her kiddie fans are NOT going to be happy when they have to explain why Zoey 101 goes off the air! I seriously can't wait to see how Nickelodeon chooses to handle this...

As if it weren't bad enough that this young girl from the most screwed up family ever is pregnant, British singer Lily Allen (who has been seen smoking very recently) and Jessica Alba, who is completely dense, are as well. The only good news about this situation is that at least three of my friends are also pregnant right now, and they don't smoke, do drugs, nor are they insane. In fact, they are all very smart and are upstanding citizens contributing good things to this world. I hate to have to be the one to inform all of them that their future babies must be the ones to fight the level of stupidity that will be brought into the world around the same time, in an attempt to not throw the universe off-balance. It's a big job for people who aren't even born yet, but somebody's got to save this planet!

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